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This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school
at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester
and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the
summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they
make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks
like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through
twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able
to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the
date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to
the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest
of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look
like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still
has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this
little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of
running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from
sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga
position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or
(b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by
the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap,
men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that
most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date
(still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't
evenwant the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40
feet away)
"Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl:
"Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just
before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero
excuses
himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs,
and quickly rips off his pants and boxer
shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens
the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It
turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed
up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him
there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt.
He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and
started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it
was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.
One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where
an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. Time passed ----------------- Both men were discharged from the hospital,
The house was re-built, The police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
------- About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she
thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him. |
